TITLE CARD: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....
TITLE CARD: Nach dem Spiel ist vor dem Spiel. - S. Herberger
EXT. SPACE
    STAR WARS
    Episode V: RUN LEIA RUN
		It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy.
		The Empire has dispatched bounty hunters to capture Han Solo in an attempt to lure Luke Skywalker. The question: if they get Han, will the ploy succeed?
		But in the end, isn't it always the same question? And always the same answer?....
The crawl is SUBTITLED in German, which abruptly changes to "... someone check my grammar."
PAN DOWN TO:
WHITE STAR FIELD
Fading in and out of the star field, we see, in turn: JAR JAR BINKS, QUI-GON JINN, GRAND MOFF TARKIN, C-3PO & R2-D2, and GREEDO.
GREEDO
Cheski pakota. Klees Jabba royu moko nayee boopa. Chego ya dona. Ka yatta blinkee me kooka.
CAPTION: The planet is round. Jabba's money is still good. That's a fact. The rest is pure theory.
He holds up a thermal detonator.
GREEDO (cont'd)
Da ka mika!
CAPTION: Here we go!
He activates the detonator and throws it into the air. It EXPLODES, and the stars rearrange to form "LEIA RENNT".
ZOOM TO:
EXT. WEIRD BLUE VORTEX
A poorly animated PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA runs. CREDITS appear above her in yellow. She shoots them.
GRAY
Rotating head shots flash onto the screen. Their character names appear under their head shots in white; their actor names follow in white print that slams from the left.
CLAPBOARD WIPE TO:
INT. LEIA'S QUARTERS
ZOOM IN on the comlink; it BUZZES. Leia answers.
LEIA
Han?
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON
HAN
Leia, I got boarded. I'm done for.
INT. LEIA'S QUARTERS
LEIA
Just calm down. Now what happened? Just tell me what happened, okay?
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON
HAN
Leia, he's gonna kill me. I'm gonna die.
BLACK-AND-WHITE FLASHBACKS
HAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
I got the spice and I was going to bring it to Jabba... On the space route, there was this bounty hunter who somehow got to me, and suddenly these Imperial troops showed up, and I got out like always--an old reflex.
And he has to jettison the spice.
COMLINK INTERCUTS
LEIA
The spice.
HAN
The spice.
(This process repeats a couple of times. Caption with "The plot device", "Die Tasche", "The McGuffin", etc. Then:)
INT. SLAVE I
BOBA
The spice!
CAPTION: (Aurebesh for "The spice".)
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON
HAN
And I know who has it! That bounty hunter! That plastic helmet freak! He's on his ship to Naboo or Dagobah or Geonosis or Tatooine or Kamino or whatever!
Images of these planets flash on screen, then CUT together with a black-and-white picture of JABBA THE HUTT.
INT. LEIA'S QUARTERS
LEIA
What about Jabba?
INTERCUT:
HAN
He'll kill me unless I can pay him back. Leia, help me. Find 100,000 credits in twenty minutes.
LEIA
Where are you?
HAN
In the Falcon, docked, in front of the Bespin Cloud City.
LEIA
Okay, stay where you are. I promise I'll come up with something.
HAN
I'm confronting him if you're not there.
Han hangs up.
INT. LEIA'S QUARTERS
Leia throws the comlink into the air.
CUT closer and closer to her.
LEIA
Okay. Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?
The comlink lands.
LUKE SKYWALKER wipes across the screen.
LUKE
No more Mark Hamill jokes, please.
Circle clockwise around Leia. Show pictures of the people she thinks of.
LEIA
Obi-Wan. Willard. Dodonna. Wedge. Father. Yoda. Mother. Rieekan. Derlin. Father. Mother. Father.
She's decided on BAIL ORGANA.
LEIA (cont'd)
Dad!
She runs off. DARTH VADER stares at her and shakes his head "no".
INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR
Leia runs and passes PADMÉ AMIDALA, who's telling a viewscreen:
PADMÉ
The Federation has gone too far this time.
The viewscreen shows a badly drawn cartoon Leia running.
INT. STAIRCASE
Leia runs down the stairs.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING
Leia runs. She bumps into Threepio and Artoo.
THREEPIO
Well, really!
Artoo BEEPS.
TITLE CARD: AND THEN
- Artoo exploding at Yavin.
- Threepio exploding at Bespin.
- Artoo getting fried at Bespin.
EXT. BRIDGE
Leia runs across the bridge.
EXT. SPACE
The Death Star blows up Alderaan.
INT. DEATH STAR - THRONE ROOM
Vader confers with EMPEROR PALPATINE.
PALPATINE
It's worst at night. Me! Afraid of the dark side. But I think about us... And I just think you'll betray me and throw me down the reactor shaft.
Vader only nods pensively.
EXT. STREET
Leia runs across the street. She passes some Jawas, as well as Qui-Gon with the Pod.
QUI-GON
Hey! You need a Pod?
TITLE CARD: AND THEN
- DARTH MAUL duels Qui-Gon in the desert.
- SHMI SKYWALKER meets Qui-Gon.
- They look out over Ani's Pod.
EXT. CATWALK
Leia runs.
EXT. ALLEY
Tarkin is in his personal shuttle, waiting to take off. Leia passes him. He stares at her as he blasts off... and hits Jabba's sail barge. Jabba gets out.
EXT. MILLENNIUM FALCON
Han comes out to CHEWBACCA.
HAN
Your comlink.
Chewie GROWLS.
HAN (cont'd)
Keep your eyes open, huh?
EXT. CORNER
Leia passes Boba.
EXT. SPACE
Leia runs to the wreckage of Alderaan. Jar Jar somehow floats by.
TITLE CARD: AND THEN
Jar Jar pratfalls.
EXT. SPACE
LEIA
Help me. You're my only hope. I need 100,000 credits immediately, or Han will die.
The ghost of Bail Organa materializes.
BAIL
I've left you and I'm never coming back again.
LEIA
But I need your help!
BAIL
Daddy's planet is good enough, huh? Well, not any more! Anyway, I'd never have fathered a Princess like you.
LEIA
But you did, Your Worshipfulness!
BAIL
No, I didn't! You're Skywalker's child. The guy who fathered you didn't live to see your birth.
He fades away. Young OBI-WAN KENOBI enters; old Obi-Wan approaches Leia.
OBI-WAN
He was betrayed and murdered by a young Jedi named Darth Vader.
LEIA
Do I have time to save Han?
OBI-WAN
From a certain point of view.
INT. CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER
Han looks at the time, walks to carbon-freezing machine. Leia enters, too late.
LEIA
Han!
She runs to him and grabs his hand. They try to run off.
A STORMTROOPER shoots.
Leia is blown back. She falls.
RED DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. EWOK VILLAGE - NIGHT
LEIA
Hold me.
He holds her.
RED DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER
Leia wakes up.
CAPTION: Always in motion is the future...
INT. LEIA'S QUARTERS
The comlink falls.
Leia runs out of the apartment.
INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR
Leia runs and passes Padmé, still talking to the viewscreen.
PADMÉ
The Federation has gone too far this time.
INT. STAIRCASE
Leia runs down the stairs.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING
Leia hits the droids, knocking Artoo over. Artoo angrily BEEPS.
THREEPIO
You watch your language!
TITLE CARD: AND THEN
Threepio and Artoo dance with Ewoks.
EXT. BRIDGE
Leia runs.
EXT. ALLEY
Tarkin prepares his shuttle.
EXT. STREET
Leia crosses street. She passes Jawas.
JAWA
Utinni!
She passes Qui-Gon.
QUI-GON
Hey! You need a Pod?
LEIA
But it's stolen from a little boy!
TITLE CARD: AND THEN
Qui-Gon's noble end.
EXT. CATWALK
Leia runs. AURRA SING is watching from above.
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON
HAN
What am I supposed to do with five hundred credits?
(shoots comm board)
Boring conversation anyway.
EXT. ALLEY
Leia leaps over Tarkin's shuttle. He hits Jabba's sail barge. Jabba comes out.
EXT. CORNER
Leia hits Boba as she passes.
EXT. SPACE
Leia approaches the Death Star.
INT. DEATH STAR - DOCKING BAY
Leia runs to Greedo.
GREEDO
Mino ya kodu Leia.
CAPTION: Our little Princess Leia.
He gestures, indicating a direction for her.
INT. DEATH STAR - CORRIDOR
Leia runs. She passes Jar Jar.
JAR JAR
(to the CAMERA)
Mesa like bein in da bombad German art-house film!
INT. DEATH STAR - THRONE ROOM
VADER
What is thy bidding, my master?
PALPATINE
There is a great disturbance in the Force--
Leia bursts in.
PALPATINE (cont'd)
Don't you see you're bothering us?
LEIA
I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to--
Greedo enters, with a gun.
GREEDO
Oota goota, Organa?
CAPTION: Going somewhere, Organa?
Leia takes his gun away and points it at Vader.
INT. DEATH STAR - DOCKING BAY
COUNT DOOKU awaits. Leia and Vader enter.
VADER
100,000 credits. Count it out.
Dooku messes with a computer.
TITLE CARD: AND THEN
Dooku kills Jar Jar (implied).
BACK TO SCENE
LEIA
Bye, Dad.
She walks away and rushes past a line of STORMTROOPERS waiting to block her.
INT. DEATH STAR - CORRIDOR
Leia encounters old Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN
What a ruckus.
LEIA
Sorry, Master. I forgot you don't like flying.
INT. CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER
Leia runs into the carbon-freezing chamber.
LEIA
Han!
But he is being frozen. The scene tints red.
LEIA (cont'd)
I love you.
HAN
I know.
CAPTION: Fulfill your destiny...
INT. LEIA'S QUARTERS
The comlink falls.
Leia runs out.
INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR
Leia runs and passes Padmé, still talking to the viewscreen.
PADMÉ
The Federation has gone too far this time.
INT. STAIRCASE
Leia runs down the stairs.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING
She doesn't hit the droids.
TITLE CARD: AND THEN
Threepio is worshipped by Ewoks.
EXT. BRIDGE
Leia runs across the bridge.
EXT. STREET
She crosses it.
She swings around the Jawas and nearly hits Qui-Gon.
QUI-GON
Watch out! You almost got me killed! Are you brainless?
Qui-Gon continues on...
EXT. BOBA'S HANGOUT
QUI-GON
You need a Pod? A special price.
BOBA
Great, now they're merchandising WITHIN the movies.
EXT. ALLEY
Tarkin hits Leia. Jabba's sail barge goes by.
TARKIN
Princess Leia?
LEIA
Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul stench when I jumped on board.
She runs off.
EXT. CORNER
Leia does not hit Boba...
EXT. RANDOM STREET
... 'cause he's on the Pod.
INT. DEATH STAR - CORRIDOR
VADER
(to STORMTROOPERS)
Bring my shuttle.
STORMTROOPER
Sir, that line's been changed to "Alert my Star Destroyer to prepare for my arrival".
VADER
Don't make me destroy you.
INT. DEATH STAR - DOCKING BAY
Leia arrives just as Vader is getting into the shuttle.
EXT. DEATH STAR
The shuttle takes off.
LEIA (O.S.)
Father, please! Help me!
INT. SHUTTLE
TARKIN
I just had a strange encounter.
VADER
With whom?
TARKIN
With your daughter.
(beat; turns to Vader)
Did you just say "whom"?
VADER
You underestimate the power of the dark side of spoofing subtitles of German dialogue.
INT. DEATH STAR - DOCKING BAY
GREEDO
(approaching Leia)
Ni manni cho kunda.
CAPTION: You've come at last, dear.
They stare at each other, and Leia realizes... "There's still a chance to save Han... at the East Platform."
EXT. MILLENNIUM FALCON
Han comes out. Chewie GROWLS.
CAPTION: I have a bad feeling about this.
They look toward Boba driving in.
INT. CLOUD CITY - CORRIDOR
The Falcon chases Boba's pod...
EXT. RANDOM STREET
... nearly missing Tarkin's shuttle.
HAN
(in Falcon)
Yahoo!
VADER
(in shuttle)
What?!
The shuttle crashes into the sail barge. EXPLOSION.
INT. CLOUD CITY - CORRIDOR
Leia runs along, eyes closed.
LEIA (V.O.)
Use the Force, Leia.
She passes Luke, who's walking along.
LEIA (cont'd)
Luke, don't. It's a trap. It's a trap!
EXT. CLOUD CITY - EAST PLATFORM
The Falcon shoots down the Pod.
Han catches up with Boba, who's trying to get to Slave I. Unbeknownst to Han, Leia sneaks into Slave I.
HAN
That's mine!
BOBA
And what about me?
(indicating gun)
At least give me that.
HAN
You'll shoot me. 
BOBA
You're no good to me dead.
HAN
The Empire will compensate you if I die.
He blasts Boba off the platform.
BOBA (O.S.)
(indignant)
But Greedo got to shoot first!...
Leia produces the spice. Han just sort of notices the boxes.
INT. CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER
Leia looks around. Han and Jabba have just finished shaking hands across the way. Han approaches Leia.
HAN
Hey... Don't worry. Everything is okay. Come on.
They grab hands and walk off.
CAPTION: ... This, of course, would be an ideal segue into a parody of Tom Tykwer's next film after "Run Lola Run"... 
CAPTION: "The Princess and the Warrior"
FREEZE FRAME.
IRIS OUT:
END CREDITS OVER STAR FIELD.