GRAMMAR

Now you, too, can make your very own Shakespeare / movie mashup and amuse at least six people online! Here's an easy and fun guide to some grammar basics so you don't embarrass yourself in e-public and suffer terrible, terrible Internet shame.

THEE/THOU and YOU

This is the single most common thing I see fucked up by amateurs.

"Thee" and "thou" are the common forms of address, while "you" and "your" are formal. English no longer has this distinction in the way that many languages do (like the Spanish tú and usted, for instance). You would use "thee" to talk to a familiar person, like a friend or a bowling teammate, or to someone beneath you, who has failed to achieve. In some cases using the familiar form can be considered an insult.

(With all this said, note that Shakespeare himself was not always consistent with these distinctions, so it's okay to waffle a bit.)

"Thy" and "thine" are the familiar forms of "your", i.e. "thy Johnson" or "Johnson thine". You might also use "thine" before the noun if the noun starts with a vowel.

"Ye" is second-person plural. It is not a synonym for "the". That's bush-league stuff.

VERB ENDINGS

First-person: none (I abide)
Second-person: -est (Thou abidest)
Third-person: -eth (He abideth)

APOSTROPHES

These differ based on editorial preferences. Many modern editions of Shakespeare do away with this goofiness entirely to create a more modern, friendly, readable text. I say fuck that shit.

Here's how I've tried to handle it:
bowl'd — one syllable
bowled — two syllables with a weak ending
bowlèd - two syllables with an exaggeratedly strong ending to indicate hilarious Internet comedy rhyme

Sometimes the verb has an 'e' built into it, like "tied", which would of course only have one syllable.

Consistency is the key. So of course mostly I just screwed it up, especially in the old version that was online. Fortunately, since then I've had help. I firmly advise anyone else spoofing Shakespeare to not subject yourselves to the masochism I've endured on the punctuation front, and just type like a normal human being.

EXIT/EXEUNT

The first is singular, the second is plural. Editors differ on how to handle or clarify stage directions, and a lot of what you see in Shakespeare books may have been added after-the-fact in any case.

MARMOT/FERRET

Do not confuse or conflate.